tracyellen Blog

Well hello people, it's been a few days and i haven't really given you much of an update have i?
Well to keep you informed then :
Today, after 11 days in stitches and four days of infection, i finally had my stitches out.
I was really relieved actually to have them removed, as there was some talk of going back for another surgical procedure......quite frankly, i'd rather give birth again!!!!!
Anyway, despite feeling pleased earlier, i am actually feeling fed up and bloody peeved.
I've just spent ages staring at this hideous red lumpy triangular shaped scar on my face and wondering how i'm going to be able to hide it.
I guess i should just be feeling grateful, and i'm sure in a better mood i'l be feeling as happy and grateful and jolly as i was this morning....but right now everything is annoying me.....I didn't bloody ask for it did I???.......and then the rational reasonable part of my brain kicks in and i remember all the suffering that people go through at the hands of cancer and i feel incredibly selfish....my mum herself suffered and survived from breast cancer and ovarian cancer....and i dont remember her ever moaning and whinging...
My excuse????? blame it on hormones!!!

I must be due for a monthly soon....LOL
to in some way balance out this selfish, self absessed rant, i just want to say that, we ALL know somebody suffering at the hands of cancer and any little thing we can do we should. These are truly amazing people and they need to be cherished. :-) they all have more balls than any other person......EVER!!!
Keep well people.
tracellen xxx

I thought that today i'd blog about dreaming.... what a strange thing it is. Whilst some dreams can be directly connected to real life and actual circumstances, and some dreams are entirely possible and feasable though not remotely connected to anything factual there are others that are entirely made of fantasy, complete gobbledegook, non sensical, impossible rubbish.
What makes us dream and why are some dreams so outlandish?
sometimes i'l write dreams down with the intention of trying to decipher it's meaning at a later date......sometimes the dreams are so horrific that i just want to forget and some of them are very comical and non sensical and belong in a book somewhere.
When i was a child i used to have a recurring dream, where things would float and hover above ground, there really was nothing more to it that the wardrobe floating and the duvet hovering above me. In this particular dream i always felt cold.....Was i actually cold or was it indicative of something else?
As a young adult i dreamt of sitting on a beach holding a white babies cardigan, i was very upset and crying when an ostrich wearing a polka dot bow tie came up to talk to me.....there were dolphins with feet prancing in the surf and all sorts....( entirely possible that i was running a very high fever!lol)...What in gods name am i supposed to take from that?
Very recently i had a very raunchy dream of a colleague (who also happens to be my best friend and someone i'm not remotely attracted to).....was i actually horny for him or again was it indicative of something else? in this particular dream there were alot of 'new' things,...music, environment.....what did it mean?
I have before now had very disturbing dreams, like the one where i was dreaming that my husband was raping me, he was suffocating me so bad and i woke up so terribly distraught and entirely unsure as to what was real or dream for a few minutes......or the dream where i had given birth to a live but dying child and after it died i kept it and was still feeding it and changing nappies....in the same dream i watched my father get knocked down by a car and killed...
All pretty disturbing stuff huh? and for the most part, entire tosh! unlikely, unbelieveable and downright impossible in some cases. But there nevertheless.......so what does it all mean? and how and where do we start to begin to decipher it all?
I'd like to learn to understand my dreams and take something from them.....i mean .....if we dont do that, then what is the point of dreaming in the first place?
Look forward to hearing some of your comments and maybe even some of your dreams......
My dog is dreaming right now and it looks like he's dreaming of food....is he hungry do you think?????

i told you about the kiddie karaoke party, well here's my little lumps of lovley chucking out their tunes.......from 'sex on fire' to 'i predict a....(ahem)....diet!'
Great fun was had by all and i do believe we have a few rockers in this little lot
..................pics to follow................

i took a walk in town today to flash off my new war wound. mainly because i had the most hideous of nightmarse last night.
I dreamt that i ahd turned into a recluse after going out and having the traffic stop and say things like 'ooh what a shame' and 'Aaah, and she used to be so pretty too' etc....you know the kind of thing....i woke up in a bit of a state and decided there and then that my first day with no dressing was also going to be the first day i faced my public, so to speak.
I fully imagined that i was going to get a few stares and a few questions and such.....and i wasn't disappointed.....being a pub landlady(a bad one of late) i am fairly known locally so we were stopped quite a bit. it was ok though really. It's actually really rather nice to know that there are so many people out there that wish me well.
More than anything it has shown me that although i FELL like my face is horrid and very different, people that know me , actually, they just know me as me and that is who they still see. GOOD!
i have to confess to being slightly disappointed at my complete lack of visitors though....one of my closest friends came to see me and my best friend has been in touch via text and phone almost constantly (he and my hubby are not 'buddys' so he doesn't come to the house) but other than that none of my friends have been to see me or even called to ask........I guess the title of my first ever blog really does ring true then.....cancer IS a scary word.
ta ta for now peeps, i'm off to read some more blogs.......some of you guys have an amazing gift with language and literacy that i am growing quite addicted to

i haven't had a cig since sunday....had my op on wed and have been taking loads of pics to remind me how horrid the op was.......guarunteed to stop lighting up!!!
on the up side ....my best friend sent me a message this morning , it started with "Morning faceache".......hahahahaha.....only the true friends have the guts to take the piss and the knowledge to know they're making you smile....I love that Friend with all of my heart :-)

Well here i am folks......miserable and sore and tired and emotional and hoping they got it all.
I'm not sure i can go through that again.
I know people have been and are going through so much worse but i honestly dont know where their strength comes from.
I was up early this mornong, after a very troubled nights 'sleep' dotted with nightmares etc. Made the boys presentable and ready for school. both children were rather emotional today. It seems that conversations between my husband and myself after bedtime have been heard, and the children know all about the cancer and have been worrying themselves silly. I hadn't planned on having that conversation until it was absolutely necessary, so that was very hard.
i think they got there ok though and were reassured. still, i went and spoke to both teachers this morning so that both my boys got the support they needed today. they were pretty fab actually
Hospital loomed and i've never felt so terrified in my life. The hubby stayed behind to be there for the boys and mum and dad took me there.
I was very fidgety in the waiting room and couldn't sit still so wandered around a bit.
didn't wait that long really. Bonus. Dad sat making jokes at the vain celebrity's in the mags, he always does that in high emotion times, Cracks daft jokes! i love him for it.
ANYHOO... my name was called out for theatre, i went in, got gowned up, was asked a few Q's, signed the necessary paperwork and then got nervous as hell, started shaking uncontrollably and practically hyperventilating at the thought of the needles then the blades then the blood then the scar.......the surgeon was on the verge of getting my parents in before i pulled myself together (I am 30 years old!! so, pull myself together i did and got on with it, on me tod!!) i dont want to put my parents through it to be honest.
Well what can i say?????? definately unpleasant , definately necessary, definately worse than childbirth.
LOL

[.......................]

The space above is the length of the triangular wound i'm left with, running from the side of my nose and down past my mouth and along my cheek, though i'm assured that it's a very neat job, i am still incredibly emotional about it.
IT'S MY FACE!!
i just hope that the whole cancer is gone and that nothing more sinister is discovered in the labs.
apparently it's extremely rare to find this type of cancer in a woman so young.....so THAT made me feel special...LOL.........
Hey ,gotta look on the bright side huh?!

Well, hi there friends.
What a busy weekend that was, great party's, great outfits and a great deal of booze, unfortunately NOT a great deal of sleep was had.LOL.
I hope all of you out there had a fab halloween weekend too.
Well, wednesday is the day guys, off i go to the hospital to have my face fixed. ....i have to confess to being a teeny weeny bit on the nervous side. The idea that i'm going to be awake while they dig out this cancer is rather horrifying actually....all i can do is hope that it's a tidy job and over quickly.....wish me well :-)
Short blog today i know but my bed is a calling....nite all :-)
hope everyone is well xx

OOH.....how could i forget this.....my beautiful sister is heavily pregnant and i had a message today form her saying that the babies head is 2/5ths engaged.........she's going to be having a little girl and i simply CANNOT wait!! between us we only have boys so far so being able to go and buy all these beautiful little baby girl clothes is soooooo much fun........I AM VERY EXCITED!!!!!

Well, hello there peeps,I thought i'd pop on here and just have a little tap at the keys and give those that ask after me a bit of an update.
Thank you firstly, to those of you that ask, it's a good feeling to know that people care. Big hug to you all:-)
All is fairly chilled in my house this evening, the kids are asleep after getting thoroughly mashed up with halloween make-up. They are very excited about tomorrow as i am having a childrens karaoke party at my pub. Both boys have been very busy practising for their debut perfomance. Bono eat your heart out! lol.they have a little suprise coming, they have no idea that mummy can sing....and sing she can!!!! i'm looking forward to seeing their faces as mummy belts out 'black velvet'. I am looking forward to tomorrow!!!!

Well yesterday was a bit of a panic, i had a call at work from my husband saying that that surgery had phoned and wouldn't leave a message but to call them at my earliest convenience...........SHIT!!! i was terrified! all kinds of things were going through my mind..........as it turns out it was just a call to say that, as i have an infection in the cancer site, they had sent a prescription to the chemist for me and could i start taking it as soon as possible so that the infection is clear and we can get on with removal of the cancer.
I still, as yet, dont have a date but i'm sure it will be soon. Not especially looking forward to it but i cant avoid it so it's better to just press on get on with it really isn't it. Besides, with Halloween being one of the biggest party times of the year, i dont realy have that much time to dwell on it.
I have a big party weekend planned at my pub starting tomorrow so that is taking over most of my brain space. Distractions are good sometimes huh? I'm looking forward to it all, it's be good fun :-)
I think i shall be taking some holiday time fairly soon, i have been working 6 days a week for almost 9 months and i dont mind admitting that i am TIRED!! bone weary in fact!! i shall look forward to my holiday time i can tell you. lol.
Well all you fine people, my bed is a calling me and i have yet to read through some of your blogs.....
goodnight all and keep, healthy and happy.
xxx

Had to share........
my puppy just farted and woke himself up.......looked at me like i did it!
lol